Submitted by: David Cunic
About To Die? Do This FIRST!
So apparently science has predicted we are all about to die, so really, what else can you do in this time than to live it up? We have some ideas. Not sure if you heard or not, but the Doomsday clock was just moved to three minutes left to live. On a cosmic scale, that is actually more than your lifetime, but what if it were literal? What if, upon finishing this article, you had three minutes left to live?
Here are five things you could scratch off your bucket list in those three minutes. Keep in mind, the most normal of you will have none of these on your bucket list, and that’s fine. Either way, you’re about to die and we thought you might want a laugh.
Eat Something Awful For You
So many of us live this life if a regimented diet, putting good things into us so our machines stay healthy and we live long lives. Once you know the world is ending and all that is for nothing, what’s the point? Find your nearest pack of bacon and just starting eating that sh*t raw.
Not like it will kill you. Life is gonna do that anyway.
Weeping While Masturbating
You must have seen the David Lynch movie Mulholland Dr., right? That one scene where Naomi Watts weepsturbates? I had always wondered what kind of torment one would have to be in to feel such pleasure and such sadness at once. Well, now I know. Masturbating as the world is winding to a close is a sure fire way to expel TWO bodily fluids at once.
Multi-tasking at its finest in our final hours.
Throw Yourself at Someone Sexually
We all have that ONE person we have always wanted to have sex with but have never quite had the courage to put ourselves in the line of fire for. Guess what? When the world is about to end, you have nothing left to lose. The worst that will happen is someone will laugh at you, at which point, you can pee on their shoes. I know that sounds insane, but a society about to perish has no rules.
But, if you do this right, and approach the person and yell:
The world is about to end and I have always wanted you but never had the courage to tell you so now I am telling you which took about a minute, and that gives us two minutes for some real good sex before we all die. What do you say?
Then you extend your hand. It may work, it may not, but at least you die knowing you went out trying.
Wrestle a Bea
As long as I live, this WILL be a running theme in my pieces. I’m sorry, but there is NOTHING a man can do that is more manly than deciding to use your final hours on this Earth asserting yourself as the king of all beasts. You could also go for a lion, but a bear has a shape that makes it more akin to a man-on-beast wrestling match.
Yes, you will probably be mauled.
But you need to understand, you will go out on LEGENDARY terms. You are the guy who spent his last three minutes going toe-to-toe with a bear. Keep in mind, don’t just pick on a random bear. You have to wander into their territory and then simply defend yourself. Set them up, make you the bait, and go out swinging like Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall.
You gotta admit, that sounds badass.
Curl Into a Ball in the Corner Of Your Home and Sob Over All Your Poor Life Choices
Finally, we reach the most realistic way we would all spend the last three minutes of our lives if we knew death was looming. I know no one has this on their bucket list, but don’t you think there is a certain element of “inevitability” to it? In the face of death, even the bravest of us can get scared (as NO ONE truly knows what is next for us after we die).
Though we’d love to imagine we would eat delicious food and screw someone we have always pined for, that is not realistic. We’d probably make super quick phone calls the our loved one to let them know we care, then curl up in a ball in the corner of our house, weeping, while this plays on loop.
Why that song? Nothing religious, just the simple idea that in your final moments, something achingly beautiful would be playing to make the transition a little easier.
Either way. You have three proverbial minutes to live, people. Go make the best of it.
About the Author: David M. Cunic, is a successful physical therapist and personal trainer for Pazoo, Inc., a Health & Wellness company for people & pets. To learn more visit us at
pazoo.com
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Source:
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